A Gnome Pub at the Edge of the Smoky Mountains

Posted on April 23, 2014 by alyssa

On a recent road trip from Chicago to the Smoky Mountains I was delighted to discover that one particular pub would be a convenient pit stop along the way. The Roaming Gnome Pub & Eatery is located in Sevierville, Tennessee, just north of the tourism madness of Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg.

But you see, I didn’t stumble upon this wonderland on accident. As an avid writer of all things gnome, I’m familiar with pretty every gnome establishment out there and even receive daily gnome Google alerts to keep up with it all.

Not only was I ecstatic to finally visit this gnome pub, but even more excited to pull into the gnome pub’s parking lot towing a popup camper. Just a couple hours earlier, I had picked up a popup rental near the Indiana/Kentucky border to tow behind my Jeep and spend some time in the Smokys.

The Roaming Gnome used to have three locations: Sevierville, Knoxville, and Maryville. But sadly, only the Sevierville one is still in business today. Three gnome pubs in one regional area would have been too much for me to wrap my head around anyway, I suppose.

Gnome pubs are few and far between, but I am willing to go well out of my way to reach them. But surprisingly, they often let me down. Take for example Dirty Bill’s, a sorta kinda gnome-themed bar in Austin. Although the display of gnome photographs at Dirty Bill’s was nothing short of amazing, the place was clearly trying to phase gnomes out of their decor and become just another generic dive bar off of 6th Street.

The Roaming Gnome, however, is keeping the gnome enthusiast spirit alive and well. The exterior of the building has nothing going for it, as it’s wedged into a strip mall across from a Wal-Mart. But as you approach the door, you’re greeted by a clever gnome window display and large gnome rug.

Some of the high top tables inside have huge gnome faces on them and there are gnome statutes scattered inconspicuously throughout the bar. Miraculously, there are even gnomes plastered upside down on the ceiling.

The pub has a traditional Irish pub feel, with about 75 beers on tap, a no-nonsense food menu, flat screen TVs playing sports, and pool tables in the back. Add some gnomes to that mix and you’ll have a hard time dragging me out.

For dinner, my boyfriend and I settled on a few starters to share: the calamari, the Reuben eggrolls, and the mega nachos. I can safely say that each of them exceeded my pub cuisine expectations. I’m no food critic, but I am a gnome critic. So moving on…

But first – it was Sunday, and I have a really difficult time passing up Sunday Bloody Mary specials. So I gave in and ordered one. No harm done.

It was a bit chilly that evening, so the back patio wasn’t open. However, chalk-drawn gnomes teased and tempted me into the “someday” possibility of eating outdoors after a seemingly endless winter.

The Roaming Gnome has been in Sevierville since 2007 and prides itself on being a local hangout among the tourist chaos. And it seems to be exactly that. A group of local 20-something guys popped in at 9:00 on the dot to take advantage of Pour Hour, a window of time where well drinks and domestic drafts can be chugged for just a buck each.

There’s a drink special every night, just in case the gnomes don’t draw you in on a daily basis like they would for me if I lived nearby. For example, very Wednesday night (9pm to midnight) is Pint Night with normal people pints for $2 and hard core high gravity pints for $4.There’s also a decently sized stage in the front corner of the pub (in front of the gnome window display!), where local bands take the stage Friday and Saturday nights.

The Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area is just as touristy as you remember from when your parents dragged you there as an awkward pre-teen. Of course, I fell in love with The Roaming Gnome because well, there are gnomes everywhere. The bartender even let me pose with a huge gnome in a Guinness Hat who normally lives behind the bar!

But honestly, I would have dug this place even if there was no gnome in sight. The pub is spacious, which is a nice change from the obnoxious crowds everywhere else. The menu makes a lot of sense, the prices are spot on, and the vibe is laid back – without being so laid back that you’re twiddling your thumbs waiting for a pint.

So if you find yourself in the middle of Tennessee for whatever reason, make a point to stop in and say hello to my newest gnome friends. I came, I drank, I bought the t-shirt…literally!

Sipping Spirits at the Chicago Distilling Company

Posted on January 23, 2014 by alyssa

Visiting and reviewing breweries is one of my favorite pastimes while traveling. And although I’ve begun to throw winery tours into that mix, I feel that I’ve neglected our fine friends who produce spirits.

So as I found myself between trips and struggling to stay warm in my home base of Chicago, I came across mention of a new distillery opening up in a local blog for my neighborhood, Logan Square. The Chicago Distilling Company opened up on January 10th and started giving tours of facility on the 11th. I booked my tour online that weekend to scope it out for myself.

This distillery was founded in 2010 by the DiPrizio family, and creates handmade organic spirits from Illinois grains. After several months of government bureaucracy and approval setbacks, brothers and co-owners Jay and Vic DiPrizio, were finally able to open their doors.

When I toured the new distillery, they had just two spirits ready: Ceres Vodka (80 proof) and Shorty’s White Whiskey (90 proof made from 100% Illinois corn). The $10 tour fee includes a small tasting of both spirits, which tasted much smoother than I expected or than either of them smelled. I’ve never been a big fan of sipping spirits straight, but even I must admit that the after-bite was impressively minimal for both.

“What we like about it is the smoothness of the finish, so you don’t get the burn at the end that you sometimes get with vodka,” Jay commented, adding that he likes his spirits neat or with a single ice cube.

Tips for Tours

Make reservations on a Thursday – Saturdays and Sundays book up quickly
Arrive a few minutes early so you can purchase a drink at the bar and carry it with you during the tour
Learn a little about the distilling process before you go so you can ask questions that don’t make you sound silly
Take the Blue Line to California or the Milwaukee bus – parking can suck and you probably shouldn’t be driving anyway
Eat something before you come since there’s no food served here

The space is impeccably clean, shiny and uncluttered – as it should be since it just opened. With those telltale ceilings and garage doors, it looks as though the space was an auto shop or car wash in a former life. The bar area is spacious, with long community tables up front and red cushy bar stools in back. The drink menu is limited and every cocktail is $8. They sell merchandise too, including hats, t-shirts, patches, and dog collars.

What stood out to me during my visit to The Chicago Distillery is how honest, genuine, and passionate the owners are. My tour guide, Jay, had no problem telling the group how he had put his life’s savings into this business, how it all started by experimenting in the garage, how challenging it was to get around the state’s red tape, and how he was pulling it all off with a new baby at home. The environment is professional, casual, friendly, and non-pretentious.

It’s also refreshing to be among bartenders who actually know something about mixing drinks. I recently visited a bar in the South Loop, for example, where the bartender couldn’t even recommend what went well with bourbon. The distillery seems to specialize in the bloody Mary, mimosa, old fashioned, and Moscow mule.

They’re still working on a distribution scheme, but in the meantime, you can only buy their spirits at the distillery. Vodka goes for $28 and white whiskey for $22 a bottle. A sign on the wall promises that gin, bourbon whiskey, rye whiskey, cordials & liqueurs, and specialty spirits are coming soon.

It seems that this place is trying to be a “jack of all trades” – bar, distillery, tour operator, distributor, local hangout, and tourist attraction. Whatever it evolves into, I think it’s a great addition to the neighborhood and I wish Jay and Vic the best of luck.

The Chicago Distillery is open Thursdays 4-10, Fridays 4-11, Saturdays 3-11, and Sundays 11-5.

Road Trip Poetry: Haikus and Limericks from the Northeastern U.S.

Posted on October 29, 2013 by alyssa

In an effort to keep the creative side of my brain active during long stretches of road, I decided to write a poem every day (or so) during my last road trip. Short stories take too much time, blog posts become tiresome after awhile, and my Facebook friends don’t care to read every thought going through my head.

To keep things simple, I settled on the haiku and the limerick for poem structures. Let me take you back to junior high creative writing class for just a moment. A Haiku revolves around that odd 5-7-5 syllable structure, juxtaposes two ideas, and throws in a seasonal reference. Limericks have a five-line AABBA rhyme scheme and tend to be on the ridiculous side.

Without schooling you any further, here is my collection of road trip poetry…categorized by city and state. (Reader hint: each paragraph is its own poem!)

Michigan City, Indiana

Jeep in the service bay
On the way to Maine today
Engine light cleared

There once was a gnome driving a Jeep
“The engine light’s on!” he exclaimed with a squeak
Mechanic found a hose was bent

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Bare butts everywhere
Sketching by bikes in the sand
Monkeys on a beach

There once was a monkey from Toronto
I was traveling and he asked, “Hey, can I go?”
We biked through the sand
He said, “I’ll be damned!”
‘Cause that beach required no clothes!

Indian market
Beetle leaves and ice cream cup
Can’t find magic fruit

Toronto traffic
Reminds me too much of home
“Squeeze left,” a sign says

A girl was biking to Scarborough Bluffs
She rode a long way and had enough
Locked her bike to a tree
And scraped up her knee
Falling off the edge feels pretty tough

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Campfire burning
Old guitar songs sung in French
Sun sets later now

Biking to Mount Royal
Quiet amidst the chaos
Brakes screech, tires swerve

Fine arts museum
Windy day in Montreal
Textured canvas paint

Grand Isle, Vermont

Citronella light
Illuminates ferry boats
Mosquito bites itch

South Hero, Vermont

Roadside antique store
Crafts and creatures on the shelves
Windy twisty roads

There once was a man from South Hero
Where the population’s practically zero
He shopped for antiques
‘Til his bike started to squeak
And he skidded right off the pier. Oh no!

Vineyard concert night
Locals drink and dance along
Sun sets on the vines

There once was a band that played covers
The vineyard lawn full with blankets of lovers
The drummer drank too much wine
Ate some raw grapes off the vine
And was carried off stage by his brothers

Waterbury, Vermont

Vermont tasting day
Cider, cheese, chocolate, ice cream
Rain makes trees greener

Twin Mountain, New Hampshire

Tensions in the air
Tear drops fall like pouring rain
Let’s go get Thai food

Cold beans in a can
Styrofoam instant noodles
Sleeping bags are damp

Rainy campground day
Clothes swirl ’round the washer
Bad TV plays on

KOA pizza
Sketching by campfire light
Internet goes out

Toes dipped in the pool
Soothes itchy ankle bug bites
Dark clouds rolling in

Stir crazy working
Caught up and getting ahead
Rain motivation

North Conway, New Hampshire

There once was a climber from North Conway
He searched for good routes all day Monday
Finally set up some climbs
Mostly 5.8s and 5.9s
A bit scraped and sore, but he’s doing okay

Bar Harbor, Maine

Lobster between bread
Clam chowder and blueberry pie
Rainy day delight

There once was a moose from the state of Maine
He crossed where he wanted, which felt like a game
He ignored the road signs
Was ticketed for his crimes
‘Til he was put behind bars. What a shame!

Lighthouse on the cliff
Bell rings and red light flashes
“Click” goes the shutter

Calm breeze makes ripples
Water droplets splash my skin
Kayak on the lake

Firewood burning
Embers travel toward the sky
A hole in my shoe

Swollen drippy eye
Fishes take revenge on me
Shellfish allergy

Waves crash on the shore
Wind and flies test my balance
Yoga on the rocks

There once was a mosquito from the Harbor of Bar
I swatted him away, but he didn’t go very far
Felt him land on my skin
Sucking blood out again
Screw the tent – I’m sleeping in the car

There was an old hag at the campsite next door
Her dunkies would cry, and she’d scream some more
Tossed a burning log in the air
Bowed my head, said a prayer
Now all I hear are waves on the shore

Parade candy thrown
Lobster races to my gut
Fireworks so bright

Shift gears up the hill
Wipe the sweat, pedal faster
Cycling carriage trails

Gnomeless antique shop
Rusty junk out in the rain
Creepy man peers out

There once was a sand pail on Sand Beach
It used to make castles, now tangled in seaweed
Someone left it behind
Swept away by the tide
Rake and shovel too far out of reach

Portsmouth, Rhode Island

Chicago to Maine
Many stops along the way
Camping from a Jeep

THE END

Dirty Bill’s: A (Sort Of) Gnome-Themed Dive Bar in Austin

Posted on October 23, 2013 by alyssa

Dirty Bill’s would be just like any other dive bar on the map except for one simple fact. It is filled with glossy photographs of a traveling gnome mingling with celebrities.

Tucked away from the blaring live music and pub scene on 6th Street, Dirty Bill’s is a tiny, dark bar in Austin’s Warehouse District. So how did a tourist like me stumble upon it, you ask? Well before I take any trip, I do a quick Google search for “[town name + gnomes].” Other than a couple quirky shops (which I obviously visited also), Dirty Bill’s was the only result I found.

This is the home of the “world famous” gnome, Dirty Bill, but sadly, no one seems to care anymore. I found my way the bar, late on a Saturday afternoon. The bar was empty, and the only sign of life was the bartender half-heartedly cleaning up a pile of puke on the sidewalk by the front door.

The walls were plastered with the most amazing photographs of an obscure variety of celebrities posing with Dirty Bill. This gnome has been held by everyone from Les Claypool to Bill Murray, Modest Mouse, Tony Hawk, Kid Rock, Courtney Love, and Alice Cooper. It seems he’s lived quite the live, considering shots of him getting tattooed, skydiving, and committing various forms of public scandal.

So who exactly is Dirty Bill, how does he get around so much, and why is he just sitting in a glass case right now?

Unfortunately, these questions remain largely unanswered.

After an initial look around, I introduced myself as a “gnome enthusiast” to the bartender, Crystal, and begged my boyfriend to snap as many photos (of the photos) as possible. Crystal seemed wholly uninterested in gnomes, but she was kind enough to entertain my obsession for awhile.

Crystal revealed that one of the owners of the place shared my obsession and had been well-connected in the music industry. She said that Dirty Bill hadn’t traveled anywhere in quite some time and that the owner wasn’t really into it anymore. Most of Dirty Bill’s photos were snapped in the late 90s and early 2000s. Personally, I can’t understand how you can own/work in a bar full of gnomes and NOT be “into it.”

Although Crystal (the only staff member working at the time) didn’t seem to know much about the origins of the gnome or the intentions or whereabouts of the owner, she agreed to let me meet Dirty Bill up close and personal. He was covered in stickers, tattoos, scratches, and other common types of battle scars that gnomes suffer from while traveling. According to the bar’s Facebook page, Dirty Bill began traveling in 1999.

I made few more laps around perimeter to soak up each and every photograph in the bar, which to date, is the only gnome-themed bar I’ve ever been to. What I wouldn’t give to own and operate a gnome bar of my very own!?

If you read reviews of the bar, you’ll see a steady stream of complaints about bad service, impersonal staff, and cramped space. But some locals defend it for its unpretentious vibe and the jukebox.

Internet searches about Dirty Bill yield very few results, and the bar is clearly trying to move away from its gnome theme. They recently replaced the exterior sign, which had a gnome on it, to a dull, black sign that just says “Dirty.” They’re moving away from the name “Dirty Bill’s” entirely, and going for that whole overdone, generic dive bar theme instead. Check out the bar’s website and you’ll be hard pressed to find a gnome.

I left Dirty Bills that hot Texas afternoon with a bittersweet feeling. This bar has so much potential for eclectic patrons, but yet it falls so short. In exchange for $15, Crystal found me one of the last bar tank tops that bore Dirty Bill’s name and illustration (in a men’s large – the only size available.)

Perhaps Dirty Bill’s wasn’t all I’d hope it would be, but I sure am glad to got to meet him before the bar abandons him completely. Although he and I are mere acquaintances at best, I hate to think of him being retired to a storage bin to make room for something far more lame. You’d better bet that I’m keeping tabs on the bar though, because if it ever shuts down, I want first dibs on a couple of those photographs!

Whip In: Austin’s One-Stop Brewery/Indian Restaurant/Concert Venue/Grocery Store

Posted on October 4, 2013 by alyssa

I can’t think of another single place in the world that combines the best aspects of craft beer, Indian food, live music, and grocery shopping. Whip In does exactly that, and does it pretty well.

Roadside sign

My boyfriend, who happens to be Indian, and I came across Whip In’s website while searching for breweries to sample in the Austin area. We were intrigued at the unlikely combination of Texas comfort food, traditional Indian food, and craft beer. From what I understand, Indians aren’t exactly known for their breweries.

The Travel Channel’s Andrew Zimmern even did a little piece on the place, however, I don’t feel he does it justice. Sorry to call you out, buddy, it’s going to take more than footage of your chewing to convince me of Whip In’s awesomeness.

Scoping out the menu

Back in 1986, the owners, Amrit and Chandan Topiwala, bought a convenience store in the Travis Heights Neighborhood and made a living off the gas pumps and B-movie selection.

For whatever reason, beer sales began to outweigh gas sales and priorities were shifted.

Texan-Indian Cuisine and Brews

The convenience store was transformed into a dhaba (traditional Indian/Pakistani roadside restaurant) pub with a full kitchen and homemade brew house. The menu features a mind-boggling fusion of Texan comfort food and authentic Gujarati cuisine. And since it’s in Austin, Whip In practically had no choice but to service local and organic fruits, vegetables, and meats.

Whip In is big on brunch and it has a big section for it on the menu. We settled on a combo dhaba bowl with chana masala, masoor dal, and Zambian corn. We also got an appetizer of samosas and a follow-up entree of dal sliders. With their warm naan, spinach, and mushrooms, the dal sliders were definitely my favorite pick.

Namaste Brewing

Appropriately, Whip In calls its in-house brew house, Namaste Brewing. They had a surprisingly number of beers, although several of the taps had run dry before we showed up.

You can order a sampler of four beers for $10, and we did exactly that. Our picks were the Brahmale, Sitas Revenge, Austinerveisse, and Vishnavi Triple.

Outside seating space

Brahmale = postcolonial IPA made w/goodflow honey, grapefruit peel & lemongrass 9.5%abv
Sitas = french saison made w/striselspalt&aramis hops 6.5%abv
Austinerveisse = berlinerveisse style german sour wheat made w/peaches 4.5%abv
Vishnavi = strong triple brew I seem to have misplaced my notes on

Feast time!

Nearly all the beers on tap were high in alcohol content, with 8% and 9% being totally common. I must admit, the combination of strong beer and strong flavors did do a number on my unsuspecting stomach after awhile.

Rambler Rose

For a Saturday night, Whip In was busy, crowded, and a little chaotic. As a first timer, I was a little overwhelmed trying to wrap my head around this place. Fortunately, we found a seat at the bar, so there was no wait time. If you aren’t so fortunate, you can push your way to the back and browse the couple aisles of groceries that seem wonderfully out-of-place. The owners have traded in their convenience store snacks for hippie fair like tofu-turkey and Tom’s Natural Toothpaste.

Namaste, ya’ll!

Whip In has indoor and outdoor seating, and each space has its own stage. Rambler Rose, featuring a 8 1/2 month pregnant lead singer/percussionist, took the stage while we were finishing up our dinner.

Whip In definitely offers a unique dining/drinking/listening/shopping experience you can’t find anywhere else. Upon first impression, the spot seems to be a bit all over the board, and unable to decide what it is and what it wants to be when it grows up. But whatever it is, I like it. And I hope to visit another place like it some day.

Brew-Fueled Serenity Outside Austin: The Jester King

Posted on September 22, 2013 by alyssa

If you want a good brewery recommendation, ask a guy running the food truck. Anyone who’s been to Austin knows there are a ton of breweries in the area. But since most their brews don’t make it across the Texas border, it’s hard narrowing down your options if you’re only got a few days.

The Jester King

I recently tagged along to my boyfriend’s conference outing in San Antonio and found myself waiting for free grub in food truck lines outside the Alamo. To pass the time, we struck up a conversation with a friendly food truck guy about local brews, and promptly received a recommendation for the Jester King.

Although I visited Austin a couple years prior, I wasn’t as obsessed with breweries then as I am not. So we took his suggestion and ran with it…all the way to brew retreat bliss.

Patiently waiting for beer

The Jester King is as “out in the middle of nowhere” as you can expect with an Austin city zip code. The roads leading to it are hilly, and it’s a surprisingly scenic drive.

After initially missing the entrance and turning around in a ditch, we spotted the unassuming sign that leads down a ranch-style road. This ranch, however, is filled with rows of cars instead of livestock, and it looks like it will be really busy from the parking lot.

Testing the taste buds

You’ll pass by Stanley’s Farmhouse pizza, which is worth a stop, but do yourself a favor and find beer first. The brew house on the hill looks huge, but the tasting room is actually pretty quaint. It’s just a bar, with no place to sit and no tables to lean on.

But the service is great, and the guys working bar are both friendly and know their stuff. The parking lot led me to believe I’d be waiting in a long line for a taste and shouting over a crowded bar to put my order in. Although the tasting room had a steady stream of tasters, it was a far cry from annoying or cramped.

Tree top chandelier

I still can’t stop raving about Black Metal. It’s a Russian imperial stout, and it weighs in at a whopping 9.3%. The beer has a predictable black-brown color, strong aspects of chocolate, peppery overtones, and a hint of coffee accents. It’s strong, it’s smooth, and it has a warming boozy mouth feel from start to finish. I had a sample, then a pint, and finally a bottle to go. Yep, it was that good.

My second favorite brew was Mad Meg, which is a saison farmhouse ale and golden in color. Apparently Mad Meg was a peasant woman from Flemish folklore who led an army of women to pillage hell. While that’s pretty hardcore, the beer was pleasantly smooth with citrus influences, herbal spices, and an aftertaste unique to this type of beer.

Mmm…pizza goes in here

Otherwise, I tried the Noble King and the Wytchmaker, neither of which left a lasting impression, and Boxer’s Revenge, which was far too sour for my taste. I understand that sour beers are the new rage with the “kids” these days, but I can’t manage to jump on the sour bandwagon just yet.

Although I was a big fan of Jester King’s beers, I fell in love with their brewery set up even more. In my opinion, this is what a brewery should be: plenty of outdoor seating space, laid back vibe, a stage for live music, simple food on site, manageable crowds, and a festive atmosphere that makes you never want to leave.

As the sun began to set, chandeliers hung from tree branches lit up to illuminate picnic tables scattered through the rolling hills. The brewery was run well, without being pretentious, family-friendly, without crawling with kids, and situated in a peaceful atmosphere that temps you to be social.

Devour in 3…2…1…

I should also mention that Jester King, as well as most of Austin, is really dog-friendly. Dogs aren’t only tolerated here, but they are expected and admired. Dog ownership sounds a lot more manageable to me if you can bring your pooch to the pub.

We ordered a pizza at Stanley’s before they closed at 9pm; it came out quick and although it wasn’t huge, it was pretty delicious. Softly playing classic rock radio provided the accompaniment, but apparently they sometimes host live music on Saturday nights. If you like Jester King’s labels, which are pretty clever, you can pick up a poster print of one for $20 to $25.

On the drive back to the campground from Jester King, I started pondering how different some breweries are from one another. As I mentioned, ones like this always rock my socks off. But the footwear of other brew fanatics probably flies off at the sight of warehouse district or gastropub competition.

I’ll save that debate for another article (coming soon!) and continue riding the wave of Black Metal and the mellow vibe I took with me from the Texas countryside.

A Conference Imposter in San Antonio

Posted on September 20, 2013 by alyssa

Before becoming a full-time writer, I worked in a random array of industries. I spent my fair share of time in the online education, high rise management, real estate, health insurance, and product liability industries. But despite all those years in the cubicle, I never got the opportunity to attend an industry conference.

Perhaps I didn’t care enough about the industry to bring it up to my boss. Perhaps my boss was too cheap to send me on an unchaperoned trip to Vegas. For whatever reason, I’ve never schlepped my bags to a strange city to pretend listen to cheesy seminars while wondering when the next happy hour event begins.

Until now.

My boyfriend works in the Internet retailer/office supply industry and ships off to at least a conference or two every year. Since I can work from “wherever,” I decided to tag along to San Antonio for a little change of pace. And for an extended post-conference adventure to Austin and Padre Island.

The conference is being held at the J.W. Marriott Resort & Spa, which is a considerable step up from my usual accommodations inside a tent with a broken pole. After three days of mooching bliss, I’ve determined that being playing the role of conference tag-along is a pretty sweet gig.

A stressful day working poolside

I’ve spent most of my days cranking out articles on my laptop next to the pool with a frozen mojito in hand, taking occasional breaks to float down the “lazy river” or zip down the water slide. Let the truth be told, I’m incredibly productive in these circumstances! I even managed to get me a name badge, which allows me sneak into some events for free food and drinks. Score!

Last night was one of these events and it literally was held in the street in front of The Alamo. The conference organizers set up huge tents just steps away from the historic building, which was flanked by food trucks and booze stations. I’m not one for networking events or small talk, especially when its not even my industry, but I hung around long enough for some food truck sliders and cheap beer.

The Marriott resort is about 45 minutes away from downtown San Antonio, so I was glad to step away from the life of secluded luxury and actually get into the city for a bit. I visited San Antonio a couple years ago with my best girlfriend, and it’s exactly as touristy as I remember it. Say what you will, but the tried-and-true Riverwalk does make for a beautiful and relaxing evening stroll.

My “company” badge

As I sit in my plush provided bathrobe and curse the rain that keeps me from the pool today, I ponder the mentality of the modern conference-goer. For most people, this seems like a great way to ditch office responsibilities, escape the family, and feast on free booze for a few days. It’s an excuse for non-travelers to take a vacation. It’s one of the rare perks of 9-5 office work. But I can attest to the fact that all anyone here talks about it work…so I guess it all has a certain level of productivity as well. Surely, plenty of booze-fueled business deals are on the table and covered in some kind of duck fat french fry grease (Say She Ate has great ones, by the way).

Perhaps if they aren’t ridiculously expensive or hopelessly lame, I’ll look into attending a writers conference in the near future. Writers must be more interesting to have small talk with than Internet salesmen, right?

Miami: Beyond the Beach and the Bar

Posted on August 13, 2013 by alyssa

I’m a southern white girl and I like to drink.

Not that I’ve identified myself, let me tell you about my first experience in Miami.

My best friend, Michelle, and have taken a trip together each summer for the past five years. This year’s destination was Miami: the land of beaches, nightlife, and good looking people.

Issue #1: I’m 100% German and burn like a newborn baby.
Issue #2: I’m pushing 30 and get hangovers consistent with water-boarding.
Issue #3: I just got back from a 6-week road trip and didn’t have a lot of spare cash lying around.
Issue #4: Michelle got knocked up (she’s already “come out” on Facebook, so I’m not spoiling any surprise) so she had to eat and/or rest every two hours.

Needless to say, we needed to find more to do in Miami than just hit the beaches and the bars. Don’t worry….I had my fair share of mojitos and got my fill of ocean water up the nose. But here’s a few other things to do if you find yourself in a similar situation visiting Miami:

Take a Touristy Boat Cruise

I despise tourist traps as much as the next seasoned traveler. However, sometimes some booze on a boat ain’t half bad. Island Queen Cruises offers hour long rides along “Millionaire’s Row” to spy in on the homes of the rich and famous. As you cruise along Biscayne Bay, you’ll see how Enrique Iglesias, Shakira, and Pitbull live out their days in the Sunshine State.

Even if you don’t give a rat’s ass about celebrities, it’s a fun way to relax and enjoy the ocean breeze while listening to pop music you’d never dream of saying you actually enjoy. Tickets cost $26 per person and the bar is cash only. Buy one regularly-priced $7 drink to kick things off and then hold out ’til the last half of the tour when the prices drop to $5. The tour guides will be pushy, but you don’t have to tip if you don’t want to.

Stop by a Bayfront Park Concert

If you’re staying in a hotel downtown, the only place to go for the evening is Bayfront Park. There is an indoor/outdoor mall and lots of ocean-side restaurants with outside seating. The restaurants are pretty comparable to each other, so just pick one and have a seat. Whether you choose Cuban food or American food, it’s all pretty standard and totally edible.

Bayfront Park hosts concerts pretty much every night, and it’s a good time if you haven’t heard of the band. Michelle and I stopped to listen to a random lounge jazz band. I can totally support that. The bands don’t usually draw large crowds, but passersby seem to enjoy the ambiance.

Stroll the Botanical Gardens

Unlike in many cities, the botanical gardens in Miami Beach are totally free. It’s nothing too elaborate or spectacular, but it is nice to stroll some green space and get a couple breaths of fresh air.

The gardens are open from 9-5 Tuesdays through Sundays, and they’re right across from the convention center. There’s always some kind of art exhibition going on at the gardens that makes you take a step back and go, “what the hell?” I had the pleasure of scratching my head at “Chapungu,” which featured twenty works from sculptors in Zimbabwe, and the emotion-invoking text bubbles of “Nayda Collazo-Llorens: Pleasure, Fear and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Peruse the Art Center of South Florida

There are plenty of museums in the Miami area, but few that you can have all to yourself without paying a dime. The Art Center of South Florida is composed of three buildings of artist workspaces that hosts classes, exhibitions, and events. Unlike other art museums you’ve been to, this place lets you peek in on what local artists are doing without all the bells and whistles.

It’s easy to miss the museum buildings amidst the consumerism flashiness of Lincoln Road. When you visit, you’ll probably seeing a couple artists splashing paint around behind the layer of glass that keeps you on the outside looking in. As it’s flanked by designer stores and posh restaurants on all sides, the art center offers a rare glimpse of authenticity in Miami Beach.

Go to a Festival in Little Havana

Since traveling to Cuba is easier said than done, the next best thing is a visit to Little Havana. Now before you get your hopes up about meeting all your favorite Castro family members, there really isn’t that much to do in this small Cuban neighborhood. Although there are a few Cuban restaurants and a memorial in the park, the area is pretty low-key and residential. One of the best times to visit Little Havana is during one of its Viernes Culturales festivals. A massive rain storm cut the festival short when I was in town, but the artists held out as long as you could. Head down to Calle Ocho, between 13th and 17th streets, on the last Friday of the month to check out some work from local artists, Cuban-style dancing, and some food vendors.

Attend an Outdoor Yoga Class

I already told you a little about Bayfront Park, but we’re going to head back there once more for the sake of fitness and mental clarity. The park offers free yoga classes for the public on Mondays evenings, Wednesday evenings, and Saturday mornings.

On especially hot days, arrive about twenty minutes early so you can snag a spot in the shade. Although my overall perception of Miamians was pushy and sales-driven, the people at this yoga gathering were legitimately alright. A local offered me an extra yoga mat to use since I’d only brought a beach towel, and a nice young gentleman behind me struck up a conversation about the bar sponsors on my Chicago kickball t-shirt.

Shop at Coral Gables and Coconut Grove

When I travel to a new city, I always like to venture off the main drags and see what the neighborhoods are all about. On our last day in Miami, Michelle and I took a drive to three different neighborhoods that were highly rated by strangers on the Internet.

Miami’s Design District proved to be a bust because not a single thing was open. I supposed I’ll give the neighborhood the benefit of the doubt since it was Sunday morning. Next, we drove to Coral Gables in search of some retail therapy. Finally before heading to the airport, we checked out the Coconut Grove area. The latter two areas had their fair share of shops and restaurants, but nothing that totally blew us away.

I take that back. One particular little shop, The Olfactory Co., knocked my socks off. As a low-maintenance gal with a gnome obsession, I usually prefer to shop for pointy-hatted companions over pointy-heeled shoes. Unexpectedly, this store carried gnomes in the form of finger puppets, dishes, salt n’ pepper shakers, and tea light candles.

If you’re looking to do more in Miami than get drunk and lay out, you’ve got to do your research and work for it. Well maybe you don’t now since I’ve been kind enough to give you a head’s start. However, don’t skip ’em, because then then you’d be missing out on the quintessential Miami experience. However, I hope this post just goes to show that you can find more than just beaches and bars in Miami.

Breaking Up Your Bike Ride (with a Boat Ride) in Burlington

Posted on August 2, 2013 by alyssa

Burlington, Vermont is one of those kind of rare towns I could see myself living in someday and being happy in for awhile. It’s chill enough to not stress me out, yet has enough going on to make me not feel restless. If you’ve spent too much time in towns with populations of both 2,100 and 2.7 million, you understand how amazing of a balance this really is.

I recently spent a week in the Grand Isle area along Lake Champlain and found myself biking to be the best way to get around. The roads from Grand Isle to Burlington are ideal for biking because there isn’t much traffic to battle with, the hills are gentle on weary muscles, and the scenery is peaceful enough to make even the most cluttered mind start to wander.

The Burlington bike path

Perhaps the most unique aspect of biking to and from Burlington is the bike ferry. After a rail bridge was torn down, a narrow breach in the middle of Lake Champlain was left behind, forcing bikers to choose between either turning back or taking a swim with their bikes. A company called Local Motion operates a ferry service that connects bikers and hikers to the neighboring villages of South Hero and Colchester.

Local Motion tent

Local Motion raised $1.5 million dollars from donations last year to leverage state and federal dollars to repair the three-mile portion that extends into the lake. The entire operation is run by volunteers and donor funds to keep locals active and Vermont topping the “most bike friendly destinations” lists.

Since running a boat company isn’t exactly cheap (operating costs are about $100,000 per year), you need to fork over $8 to take the 5-minute ride from one side of the bike trail to the other. Season and annual passes are available too, which a pleasant retiree will tell you about when you approach the ferry tent.

Ferry boat arrival

The bike ferry is a wonderfully efficient, low-budget operation. Basically, one guy drives a little boat back and forth while another guy ties it up and helps you lift your bikes on board. The ferry service has been able to expand in recent years, offering Friday, Saturday, and Sunday service from 10am to 6pm during the summer months.

All aboard the bike ferry

No matter how nice the day is or how much you beg, the ferry volunteers won’t detour to take you joyriding around the lake. The break in the bike path isn’t actually very wide at all. I would have just jumped in and swum across it if I wasn’t lugging along a fancy bike on loan from my buddy in the Peace Corps.

Bike racks secured and off we go

After you reluctantly conclude the boat ride portion of your bike ride, a volunteer will warn you that the last ferry to get back leaves at 6pm. Keeping a strict time schedule in mind while on vacation is burdensome. Yet somehow, it adds a sense of progressive structure to an otherwise leisurely day exploring a new place.

Colchester residential path

Soak up the serenity as you ride with crisp, blue water on each side because the neighborhood section is up ahead. I’ve ridden through plenty of neighborhoods before, but few as well maintained as this one with designated bike paths and plenty of shade.

Trailside gnome discovery

As a self-proclaimed gnome addict, I was pleased to encounter a gnome garden in a small front yard along the path. When I stopped to introduce myself and snap some shots, the motorcycling homeowner wasn’t nearly as enticed by his “wife’s collection” as I was.

Winooski Bridge Trail

After a few turns through the neighborhood, you’ll enter the village of Colchester and pass over the Winooski Trail Bridge and enter Leddy Park. If it’s a nice day outside, you’ll see beach-goers with towels and coolers in tow as you approach North Beach and Waterfront Park.

Switchback Brewing Company

Keeping a keen eye on our watches, we chose Switchback Brewing Co. as our reward destination for the miles we’d peddled and the heat we’d endured. More time was spent trying to find the door to the brewery than actually drinking beers inside of it. Switchback is tucked away in a warehouse district with an unassuming sign, and it’s only open a couple hours of the day.

I’ll admit that I was pretty disappointed to find only two beers on tap for samples and zero beers on tap for sale. A girl who barely looked old enough to pour a beer handed out samples of their similar-tasting ale and red ale. In retrospect, I’m glad that this brewery stop was a bust because it allowed time for a second brewery to be added to the day’s agenda.

Zero Gravity Brewery

The clock was clicking and the last ferry of the day was leaving the dock in an hour and a half. As a real woman who can handle her beer, I wasn’t worried. Well, maybe just a little.

I was skeptical about Zero Gravity Brewing because it was located inside a restaurant called American Flatbread. I always find myself a little wearing of breweries that advertise their food first and their beer second. Much to my surprise, Zero Gravity brews were delicious. And there were more than two of them, which was an added bonus. Zero Gravity didn’t offer samplers, but they did serve up half-pints. We settled on the Gandy Dancer California commons, Grateful Belgian ale, Keeper Biere de gard, and Starkboro coffee amber. I’d order any of them a second time, if given the opportunity.

The return boat ride

As typical, a bit too much time was spent at the bar and the 6pm ferry departure was quickly approaching. I’ve never been much for adrenaline rushes and unnecessary risk, but a 14+mph average speed seemed appropriate for the return journey. Although getting stranded wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world, a pre-paid campground with delicious s’mores ingredients waited on the other side.

Since I’d been peddling around Canada the previous week, my body was in better biking shape than usual. Since I’d removed myself from my normal routine and physical location, my mind was prepared for wherever my body took me.

Instead of being turned off by a challenge, I embraced it. Instead of letting my anxiety get the best of me, I focused on the single task at hand. Instead of being oblivious to the beauty around me, I shifted my gaze towards subtleties.

The return bike ride

The scenery continues to be ever-changing on the Burlington Bike Path, as you move from land to water, land again, residential streets, forested paths, beachfront areas, and city streets. And once you’ve arrived, you get to do it all over again, with a path to follow and a goal in the distance.

Some bike paths are just gravel roads to get from Point A to Point B. Others leave a lasting impression that’s hard to shake long after the helmet’s tossed off and the padded shorts are in the laundry basket.

If you’re interested in donating to the Burlington Bike Ferry or volunteering, contact Local Motion at [email protected].

Mooching Off Vermont’s Free Samples

Posted on July 9, 2013 by alyssa

When you’ve been eating little more than luke-warm beans out of a can rolling around the back of a Jeep for a few weeks, a day of free samples is a day to go down in the history books. Out of all the states that I’ve been too, I found more delicious free samples in Vermont than anywhere else. More specifically, the Waterbury area is a malnourished gal’s wet dream.

With minimal travel time in between, here are some amazing places to fill up on free stuff while driving through the Green Mountain State.

Cold Hollow Cider Mill

There aren’t a ton of samples here, but it’s still worth a stop so you can say you’ve been to a cider mill. Make your way through the gift shop and satisfy your need for consumerism as you scour the tables for food laying out. There are a couple homemade jams and mustards with pretzel sticks near the door, so push people out of the way until you see where the grub is. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

As you walk to the back of the mill, you can pour yourself a tiny glass of free apple cider and watch an informational video about how they make the stuff. Apparently there’s an apple shortage this year, because the mill limits you to one tiny cup per person (that is, unless no one’s looking). Unfortunately, these folks don’t really believe in hard cider.

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Grand View Winery

Unlike some winery tastings, this one isn’t actually free so you’ll have to pull two whole dollars out of your pocket to get some sips. Although the actual winery is in East Calais, they have a tasting room directly across from the cider mill so you don’t have to re-park your car.

You get to taste six wines for your Washingtons, and the portions are smaller than average. All the wines they produce are fruit wines, rather than grape wines, so everything is really sweet and refreshing. The cost of most bottles is in the $14 range, but buying one would have broken the golden rule of Free Sample Day.

Cabot Cheese

Hands down, Cabot Cheese wins the award for Best Free Samples in Vermont. Drop your car off in their parking lot and stick your head through the cow cut-outs to snap a picture as you walk in the front door. A gift shop welcomes you as you walk in and there’s plenty of local beer for sale in their coolers as well.

The free cheese sample bar has about twenty-five different samples of cheese, all of which are amazing. One side of the sample bar has standard flavors of cheese that you see everywhere, and the other side has random flavors like Tomato Basil, Hand-rolled Tuscan, and Horseradish. But the samples don’t stop there! The sides of the bar and nearby tables feature popcorn with Cabot cheese sprinkle, cheese dips, and butter dips. Grab a handful of toothpicks and settle in for the long haul!

Lake Champlain Chocolates

Leave your car parked at Cabot Cheese and walk your cheese hangover off across the parking lot over here. I didn’t expect to find too many samples here because fancy chocolate can get pretty pricey, but there were two sample areas at this chocolate shop. Most of the shop is filled with things to buy, but if you venture up towards the counters, you’ll see some lonely chocolate pieces lying about.

As you snack on a square or two of free chocolate, read through the shop’s recommendations for chocolate tastings. That way, you’ll feel (and look) like you’re learning something about what you’re tasting instead of just scarfing it all down like a fatty.

Alchemist Cannery

When I first saw a sign for this place, I didn’t even consider stopping because I assumed a cannery was all about jellies and jams. But much to my surprise, there was beer inside! Oddly enough, this brewery (that brews in only cans) only makes one type of beer. It’s an 8% double IPA called the Heady Topper. As a newly emerging fan of certain types of IPAs, I must say that their one creation is pretty delicious.

We received two 3-ounce samples for free at their tasting room, which was situated among rows of brew-themed merchandise. Their “self guided tour” was more of a room that you could walk into and take a look at the brewing equipment from afar. They usually sell cans of beer at the tasting room, but happened to have run out this particular day. I guess I’m not the only one who liked it.

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Factory

Although the sample of ice cream is “free,” there is a catch. You have to take the factory tour, but it only costs $4 per person, which is just $4 away from free. The tour starts with a seven minute video about their company that actually didn’t put me to sleep. My very pink monkey in socks, Ginger (a.k.a. Dunkey), accompanied me on this tour because she’s as big of an ice cream fan as I am.

You can’t take any pictures through their production area, but a perky teenage guide will point to different pieces of machinery and sort of tell you what each does. After listening as long as your attention span allows, your guide leads you into the tasting room for a sample. Mint chocolate chunk was on the menu this particular day.

Hang around after everyone takes their sample, because there will likely be leftovers for you to snag on the way out. The portions were decently sized, and you can always stand in line to buy another bowl after the tour if you’re truly hardcore.

Needless to say, I didn’t need to eat any beans for lunch or instant noodles for dinner on this particular day in Vermont. Whether you’re looking to get a taste of local goods or just be cheap about your dietary intake, free samples are the way to go. And in my experience, free samples are harder to come by in the rest of New England, so stock up while you can!

Alyssa v. Nature

Where the nature outside collides with the nature inside

Category Archives: Drinking