Nude Barbies in the Front Yard? Only in Georgia.

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Posted on July 25, 2014 by alyssa

Gnomes, flamingos, concrete geese, gazing balls…these are the types of kitschy lawn decor you expect to find in front yards across America.

But Barbie dolls? NUDE Barbie dolls?

Only in Georgia.

I was first introduced to Barbie Beach back in 2009 by my best friend, Michelle, who had recently moved to Newnan, Georgia with her husband. She told me that Barbie Beach was “right up my alley” and that I simply HAD to see it for myself. She tried to explain the phenomenon to me to no avail. It is truly something you have to see for yourself to understand.

Barbie Beach, Fall 2009

Steve and Lynda Quick own the Barbie Beach property on the outskirts of Turin, Georgia. From I-85, you can take Exit 41 towards Newnan and make a right at the Highway 16 fork. You’ll find Turin about nine miles after the four-way stop. To accommodate gawking tourists and locals, the Quicks have put up some signage directing passersby to a little parking area to avoid traffic congestion.

They started sticking Barbies (often naked Barbies) in the yard back in 2006. There’s always a theme, and some of them have been the Royal Wedding, the Final Four Playoffs, Winter and Summer Olympics. Random people bring Barbies to the Quicks for their display, often naked and with haircuts and tattoos.

Check out this incredibly interesting video interview by Rebecca Riley, Daniel Oramas, and Alessio Summerfield from the Chattahoochee Heritage Project:

These are some of my absolute favorite quotes:

It started with six naked Barbies, a ping pong net, a ping pong ball, and a homemade sign…

Three, four beers…your imagination gets crazy and you start talking it through, and you go, well we could do this, and we could do this, and well…we’ll do that!

The first thing that a child does when they get a new Barbie is take the clothes off.

To me, it is a form of freedom of speech.

Barbie Beach June 2012 – Photo credit: Tom Magliery

In 2011, the front yard beach was filled with Barbies painted up like zombies, in tribute to The Walking Dead. Barbie Beach has gained so much local notoriety that it even made its way onto Roadside America.

Barbie Beach June 2012 – Photo credit: Tom Magliery

A couple months ago, I paid a visit to Michelle and made a point to stop at Barbie Beach. There was an envelope along the fence containing informational guides to the history of Barbie Beach.

History of Barbie Beach – Handout from the owners

When I recently visited, it was Memorial Day weekend, so the Kens were decked out in military gear. I must admit that I was a little disappointed by the lack of Barbie soldier representation in this scene. But the plastic spoon headstones quickly made up for that.

Memorial Day Barbie Beach 2014

You can request to join the Barbie Beach of Turin, GA Fan Club Facebook Page, and I recommend doing so to keep up with all the latest themes and gimmicks. You’ll see updates posted a couple times a month.

Close up of the patriot Kens

Make me choose between a gnome and a Barbie, and I’ll take the gnome any day. But Barbie Beach is truly one-of-a-kind and I hope the Quicks keep it up for a long, long time.

If you have a yard, why not fill it with things that make you happy…even if they don’t make sense to the average critic? WHY NOT?!

We need to stop taking our yards (and our lives) so seriously and lighten up a bit. Barbie Beach has the right idea. It’s always brought a smile to my face and re-lit a creative, free-spirited spark that I sometimes forget is inside me. I hope to have a yard of my own in the near future, and you’d better bet it’s going to be really freaking weird.

The Day I Decided to Make Homemade Hair Products

Posted on July 20, 2014 by alyssa

I often only find the inspiration to write when I’ve recently traveled somewhere or had an awesome experience. But let’s be honest – most days are really not that blog-worthy. Today was one of those days. Today was also the day I decided to make homemade hair products.

A few days ago, I swept the floor and was appalled at how much of my hair came up in the broom. I frequently pull out a handful here and there, but during a particularly paranoid moment, I began to wonder…

Slowly but surely, am I going bald?

For the past year and a half, I’ve written for lots of natural health blogs like Navitas Naturals and Seagate but then hit the shower and continued to use my cheap-o, chemical-ridden hair products. I’ve come across plenty of DIY beauty product recipes but always wrote them off as too expensive and too much of a hassle.

But maybe, just maybe, 10+ years of dying my hair and slathering on stuff I can’t pronounce had taken its toll on these tresses. Perhaps something a little more natural would prevent me from sweeping so often and stressing middle-age baldness.

Thanks to a couple helpful recipes from my mom, I already have been making my own carpet cleaner, glass cleaner, eyeglasses cleaner, and granola bars for a little while now.

First thing this morning, I hopped on my bike and peddled over, in stereotypical fashion, to Whole Foods. Where else does one find things like guar gum and castile soap?

Helpful gnome mixing companion

After scoping out a few recipes on WikiHow and Frugal Living, his is what I picked up for my homemade shampoo:

Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soaps: 18-in-1 Hemp Tea Tree Pure Castile Soap, 8 oz. ($5.99)
NOW brand rosemary essential oil, 1 oz. ($7.99)
Chamomile tea bag (found in the cupboard)
Olive oil (found in the cupboard)

Making shampoo…not too bad.

Apparently, this recipe is supposed to provide hair with extra moisture and keep it from breaking and getting frizzy. The original recipe recommended tossing in peppermint oil and tree tea oil too, but essential oils aren’t cheap so I eenie-meenie-miney-mo’ed it and stuck with just rosemary.

And here’s what went into the homemade conditioner I made

NOW brand 100% natural coconut oil, 7 oz. ($6.49)
Bob’s Red Mill premium guar gum, 8 oz. bag ($5.69)
Rosemary oil (tapped into the shampoo purchase)
Water (found it in the tap)

Making condition…what a mess!

I had also considered a conditioner recipe with apple cider vinegar and honey, but this one promised more “deep conditioning,” so I went with that.

Making the Shampoo

My only challenge in shampoo-making was math. You see, my recipe called for 12 oz. of castile soap, and my bottle only held 8 oz. So this Poli Sci and English major whipped out a calculator and did a series of ratio calculations…not exactly my idea of a good time. In the end, my super-scientific proportions looked like this:

8 oz. castile soap
Just under 3 tbsp. chamomile tea
Just under 1 tbsp. olive oil
Just under 1 tbsp. rosemary oil

The weird film that developed on top

After heating the soap for a minute in the microwave, it immediately developed a weird film on top. I wasn’t sure whether to scrape the film off or try to mix it with the liquid. So I compromised and did a little of both.

Even the funnel is homemade

Both the soap and the tea were pretty hot, so after letting the mixture cool in a mixing cup, I poured it all back into the original 8 oz. soap bottle.

Making the Conditioner

Unlike the shampoo recipe, this conditioner required no math and no heat. Therefore, my only challenge in conditioner-making was trying to get the mixture into the bottle for storage. This stuff was thick, sticky, and stubborn. Here are the proportions I used:

2/3 cup water
1 tsp. melted coconut oil
1/2 tsp. guar gum
10 drops rosemary oil

Gooey glop of conditioner

After relentlessly and unsuccessfully trying to use a knife, a spatula, and a turkey baster, I discovered that the good ole’ fingers worked better than anything else. If you use a tiny 3 oz. plastic bottle like I did, it’s best to use your pinky to push the mixture down and pop the air bubbles.

First Use

After cleaning up the huge mess I made in the kitchen, I headed to the shower to give my new concoctions a whirl. The shampoo was much thinner than your average store-bought shampoo, so I had to be careful to not squeeze out too much or let it run off. But surprisingly, the thinness did not affect the lather. This soap actually lathered really well!

The finished products

Maybe it’s the type of castile soap I bought, which had hemp and tree tea oil, plus the rosemary oil, but the shampoo smells heavily of menthol. This may be a deal-breaker for some shampooers, but I didn’t mind having my sinuses opened up a bit.

The conditioner came out a bit clumpy, but the consistently was very similar to an average conditioner. Perhaps I slacked on my whisking a bit. I’m pretty sure I over-did it on the application though, because after blow-drying, my hair was a bit greasier and more weighted-down than usual.

The Verdict?

Is all this fuss really going to make my hair fall out less? Who knows.

Aside from a little extra grease from over-conditioning, it looks pretty much the same as it always does. It’d be silly to try to gauge these products’ effectiveness after just one use, so I’m planning to use them exclusively for awhile until I can make that judgment call and either stick with these recipes or give new ones a shot.

Homemade hair

The point is that I finally tried it and I felt good about trying it. I love the idea of using stuff from nature on my body and putting stuff from nature in my body. And although it’s often feels too expensive or time consuming to bother with, I’m excited to try something small out from time to time.

This is a great example of one of the things I miss doing when I’m on the road traveling. Campground bathrooms aren’t exactly the best place for mixing up things like this. Sewing and playing piano are a couple other good examples. I love to travel, but I also long to find a place to call home that feels right to me. It’s a hypothetical place where I can mix up whatever I want and that I’m excited to come back to after a long trip. I have yet to find this place, but I haven’t given up that it exists somewhere.

So I’ll just leave it at that for now, keep on washing my hair every couple days, and circle back on the concept of home when I’m a little bit closer to finding it.

The Night I Gnomed Myself – Chouffe Fest Chicago

Posted on June 23, 2014 by alyssa

Brasserie d’ Achouffe, or the Achouffe Brewery, is the only gnome-themed brewery in the world. Therefore, it also happens to be my favorite brewery in the world.

Founded in 1982 (a year before me!), Achouffe is nestled in the green hills of the Belgian Ardennes and brews superb-quality Belgian beers. Brother-in-laws Pierre Gorbon and Christian Bauweraerts began brewing ales as a hobby in the late 70s. Their spearhead product is La Chouffe, a golden blonde ale with a pleasantly fruity taste and hints of coriander. McChouffe (which is in no way related to McDonald’s), is a dark and full-flavored Scottish ale and is one of the brewery’s best-selling products.

Although I haven’t yet found a way to teleport myself to Belgium, the Internet tells me that visitors can take a tour of the brewery while wearing gnome hats. It really doesn’t get much better than that. Tours include a professional guide, introductory film, 45-minute tour, visit to the gift shop, drink samples, and souvenir gifts.

In recent months, Achouffe has been hosting “Chouffe Fests” in cities like Boston, San Francisco, and Los Angeles. In honor of LaChouffe Gnome Week, which was September 18-21, the brewery organized community events, handed out red gnome hats, and encouraged fans to “gnome thyself” with a fun mobile app.

Finally, (FINALLY!) a Chouffe Fest was scheduled in my home base, Chicago. It was held at the Logan Square Auditorium on a Thursday evening in late March.

Chouffe Fests are one-night events that transform boring old event spaces into gnome-inspired realms using larger-than-life entrance ways, eight-foot tall gnome throne photo booths, and big-scale versions of classic games like checkers, Jenga and Connect Four. Scattered stations offer live screen-printed posters, on-site letter pressed postcards to write and send, coloring book pages to scribble on, and a gnome-i-fying caricature artist.

Tickets were just $10 each and I bought mine the day I heard about the event.

Although I found the set-up to be quite wonderful, the execution was quite excruciating. I arrived before the gnomes even opened the doors and quickly nabbed my first beer. Tickets included five drink tickets and free food, photos, games, and music.

But there was a catch.

Who knew SO many people in Chicago loved gnomes? Or maybe it was just the beer.

Hundreds of people began flooding into the close-quartered event space. Within an hour, it took more than 30 minutes to get through the beer line. Yes, there was food at the end of the tunnel, but I began gnawing at my own arm during a painful wait for my miniature slider and bag of chips.

Since I arrived so early, I was able to get my caricature drawn – which was what I was looking forward to the most. In a totally weird way, I’ve always seen myself as a gnome, and now the rest of the world could too. This was the night I gnomed myself.

I was also able to get a couple professional pics taken in the oversize chair and snag a poster and a few postcards (hey did you guys get them? I’m always worried about the reliability of postcard mail). My patience ran too thin to stand in additional lines to play the oversize games, but I’m already pretty good at using my imagination to pretend I’m gnome-sized.

A DJ spun some unremarkable tunes during the bulk of the event, but then in truly random fashion, an oompah oompah band seized the back balcony. Every gnome hat spun 180-degrees.

It’s a crying shame, but I wasn’t even able to use up all my drink tickets because of the ridiculous lines. Despite the wonderfully gnomish quality of this event, I was reminded of a timely and important fact: I DESPISE CROWDS AND FESTIVALS REALLY AREN’T THAT FUN ANYMORE.

Maybe that feeling comes from living in an overpopulated, stressful place for too long. Or maybe it comes from turning 30. But in the end, this was a gnome-themed event and there was beer. And if you have any inkling of how much I enjoy these two things individually – let alone together – putting on a happy face really wasn’t all that much of a challenge.

Regardless of the gnomes Brasserie d’ Achouffe makes really amazing beer, and I hope these nationwide events spark people’s interest and lead to more local bars serving their brews. I gotta cut the Chouffe-sters a little slack about the organization and crowd issues since it is their first year. Chouffe Fests are selling out all over the country (Brooklyn and D.C. just wrapped up last week) and good for them!

Oh, and on my way out, I didn’t forget to stock up on few extra gnome hats. There were plenty and don’t judge me….I know I have a problem. And I now have four gnome hats to accompany my other two. Obscure costume needs? Send ’em my way!

The Crafting of a Gnome Skirt

Posted on June 16, 2014 by alyssa

Let’s take a little break from all this crazy hiking and biking for a moment to focus on one of my favorite indoor pastimes: crafting.

Many people believe that craftiness runs in the family, and I’m determined to not let it skip a generation. One of my grandmothers was a master quilter, the other a master crocheter, and my mom…well she could always sew a mean button on in a pinch.

I received a sewing machine as a gift a couple years ago and always felt intimidated by it. Slowly but surely, I learned to sew beginner basics like pillows and pajama pants. But what I really wanted to learn was how to make skirts…and more specifically gnome skirts.

After a couple failed attempts, I signed up for an 8-week beginner sewing course at my local fabric store. I arrived armed with a clever gnome fabric I found online, a fancy pink travel case for my machine, and lots of notions I wasn’t sure what to do with.

sew2

Thanks to the guidance of my fairly patient teacher, I finished the class with a gnome skirt that I’m proud to wear everywhere! If you’re curious, the pattern I used for this skirt is McCall’s #3341, Length D.

I credit this fun fabric for getting me through the frustrating bits of class, like installing the back zipper and hemming the bottom by hand. This is my first successful gnome sewing project, but I expect many more to follow!

Do you love to sew? Why not pick up some fun fabrics for your own craft projects? Check out these awesome gnome fabric links and click on the pictures for inspiration!

Gnome Living Gnome Collage Bright (what I used on this skirt)
Michael Miller fabric Gnomeville (what I want to use next)
Michael Miller Gnome for the Holidays Blue (what I’m stocking up on for holiday gifts)

Need some inspiration beyond my first-timer advice? These blogs have some totally enviable gnome sewing projects that I can’t stop drooling over. I mean, baby gnome shoes? Seriously, how can you NOT gag with cuteness over those?

Dragon Mumma’s Envy

Michelle Patterns

Sugarsticks Parties

*A version of this article is scheduled to also be posted in the summer 2014 edition of the International Gnome Club Newsletter!

A Gnome Pub at the Edge of the Smoky Mountains

Posted on April 23, 2014 by alyssa

On a recent road trip from Chicago to the Smoky Mountains I was delighted to discover that one particular pub would be a convenient pit stop along the way. The Roaming Gnome Pub & Eatery is located in Sevierville, Tennessee, just north of the tourism madness of Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg.

But you see, I didn’t stumble upon this wonderland on accident. As an avid writer of all things gnome, I’m familiar with pretty every gnome establishment out there and even receive daily gnome Google alerts to keep up with it all.

Not only was I ecstatic to finally visit this gnome pub, but even more excited to pull into the gnome pub’s parking lot towing a popup camper. Just a couple hours earlier, I had picked up a popup rental near the Indiana/Kentucky border to tow behind my Jeep and spend some time in the Smokys.

The Roaming Gnome used to have three locations: Sevierville, Knoxville, and Maryville. But sadly, only the Sevierville one is still in business today. Three gnome pubs in one regional area would have been too much for me to wrap my head around anyway, I suppose.

Gnome pubs are few and far between, but I am willing to go well out of my way to reach them. But surprisingly, they often let me down. Take for example Dirty Bill’s, a sorta kinda gnome-themed bar in Austin. Although the display of gnome photographs at Dirty Bill’s was nothing short of amazing, the place was clearly trying to phase gnomes out of their decor and become just another generic dive bar off of 6th Street.

The Roaming Gnome, however, is keeping the gnome enthusiast spirit alive and well. The exterior of the building has nothing going for it, as it’s wedged into a strip mall across from a Wal-Mart. But as you approach the door, you’re greeted by a clever gnome window display and large gnome rug.

Some of the high top tables inside have huge gnome faces on them and there are gnome statutes scattered inconspicuously throughout the bar. Miraculously, there are even gnomes plastered upside down on the ceiling.

The pub has a traditional Irish pub feel, with about 75 beers on tap, a no-nonsense food menu, flat screen TVs playing sports, and pool tables in the back. Add some gnomes to that mix and you’ll have a hard time dragging me out.

For dinner, my boyfriend and I settled on a few starters to share: the calamari, the Reuben eggrolls, and the mega nachos. I can safely say that each of them exceeded my pub cuisine expectations. I’m no food critic, but I am a gnome critic. So moving on…

But first – it was Sunday, and I have a really difficult time passing up Sunday Bloody Mary specials. So I gave in and ordered one. No harm done.

It was a bit chilly that evening, so the back patio wasn’t open. However, chalk-drawn gnomes teased and tempted me into the “someday” possibility of eating outdoors after a seemingly endless winter.

The Roaming Gnome has been in Sevierville since 2007 and prides itself on being a local hangout among the tourist chaos. And it seems to be exactly that. A group of local 20-something guys popped in at 9:00 on the dot to take advantage of Pour Hour, a window of time where well drinks and domestic drafts can be chugged for just a buck each.

There’s a drink special every night, just in case the gnomes don’t draw you in on a daily basis like they would for me if I lived nearby. For example, very Wednesday night (9pm to midnight) is Pint Night with normal people pints for $2 and hard core high gravity pints for $4.There’s also a decently sized stage in the front corner of the pub (in front of the gnome window display!), where local bands take the stage Friday and Saturday nights.

The Pigeon Forge/Gatlinburg area is just as touristy as you remember from when your parents dragged you there as an awkward pre-teen. Of course, I fell in love with The Roaming Gnome because well, there are gnomes everywhere. The bartender even let me pose with a huge gnome in a Guinness Hat who normally lives behind the bar!

But honestly, I would have dug this place even if there was no gnome in sight. The pub is spacious, which is a nice change from the obnoxious crowds everywhere else. The menu makes a lot of sense, the prices are spot on, and the vibe is laid back – without being so laid back that you’re twiddling your thumbs waiting for a pint.

So if you find yourself in the middle of Tennessee for whatever reason, make a point to stop in and say hello to my newest gnome friends. I came, I drank, I bought the t-shirt…literally!

A Visit to the Gnome Nook’s Confectioners – Denver, Colorado

Posted on February 13, 2014 by alyssa

At the end of a recent snowboarding trip I took to Colorado, I stumbled upon the most delightful gnome-themed shop in Denver. The Gnome’s Nook Confectioners is tucked away among the trendy eateries and quaint shops in Denver’s Washington Park neighborhood.

The well-decorated Gnome’s Nook entrance

Stroll through the shop’s outdoor area, which is lined trees, shrubs, benches, and gnome murals. Then make your way inside to enter a magical candy-filled forest with a variety of “gnomemade” chocolate, truffles, covered pretzels, and vintage candies.

But the very best part of the shop awaits you on the second floor! Up a single flight of stairs you’ll find a wonderful collection of modern and vintage gnomes, gnome books, greeting cards, games, gnome artwork, knitted gnome hats, and gnome jewelry. I loved browsing through the collections of 1990s Kinder Surprise gnomes, 1980s Tom Clark gnomes, 1970s Goebel gnomes, and even a gnome from the 1940s!

Kinder Surprise gnome collection

The Gnome’s Nook Confectioners is owned by a brother-sister team, Stephen and Katherine Hostettler. According to a local blogger, Stephen chose the signature gnome theme so as to be gender neutral and make the store’s environment welcoming to everyone. I’m still waiting for the owners to reply to an email I sent to the owners with a few questions about their business.

But the Gnome’s Nook isn’t just for shopping, it’s for celebrations too! The owners welcome birthday parties and plan gnome-themed activities wit party favors and cake to keep kids of all ages entertained. The shop also hosts parties for graduations, summer solstice, spring equinox, and Mayday.

Gnome garden entrance

You can attend movie nights, open air music, circle readings, and wine/chocolate pairings throughout the year. Gnome’s Nook also offers “gnome trade” workshops that focus on felting, candle-making, birdhouse making, and garden planting.

Freaking out at all the gnomes up for adoption

I definitely enjoyed my stop at the Gnome’s Nook Confectioners and I highly recommend it to anyone living near or traveling through the Denver area. See for yourself at 1078 South Gaylord Street, Denver, Colorado or give the owners a call at 303-997-7103.

Road Trip Poetry: Haikus and Limericks from the Northeastern U.S.

Posted on October 29, 2013 by alyssa

In an effort to keep the creative side of my brain active during long stretches of road, I decided to write a poem every day (or so) during my last road trip. Short stories take too much time, blog posts become tiresome after awhile, and my Facebook friends don’t care to read every thought going through my head.

To keep things simple, I settled on the haiku and the limerick for poem structures. Let me take you back to junior high creative writing class for just a moment. A Haiku revolves around that odd 5-7-5 syllable structure, juxtaposes two ideas, and throws in a seasonal reference. Limericks have a five-line AABBA rhyme scheme and tend to be on the ridiculous side.

Without schooling you any further, here is my collection of road trip poetry…categorized by city and state. (Reader hint: each paragraph is its own poem!)

Michigan City, Indiana

Jeep in the service bay
On the way to Maine today
Engine light cleared

There once was a gnome driving a Jeep
“The engine light’s on!” he exclaimed with a squeak
Mechanic found a hose was bent

Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Bare butts everywhere
Sketching by bikes in the sand
Monkeys on a beach

There once was a monkey from Toronto
I was traveling and he asked, “Hey, can I go?”
We biked through the sand
He said, “I’ll be damned!”
‘Cause that beach required no clothes!

Indian market
Beetle leaves and ice cream cup
Can’t find magic fruit

Toronto traffic
Reminds me too much of home
“Squeeze left,” a sign says

A girl was biking to Scarborough Bluffs
She rode a long way and had enough
Locked her bike to a tree
And scraped up her knee
Falling off the edge feels pretty tough

Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Campfire burning
Old guitar songs sung in French
Sun sets later now

Biking to Mount Royal
Quiet amidst the chaos
Brakes screech, tires swerve

Fine arts museum
Windy day in Montreal
Textured canvas paint

Grand Isle, Vermont

Citronella light
Illuminates ferry boats
Mosquito bites itch

South Hero, Vermont

Roadside antique store
Crafts and creatures on the shelves
Windy twisty roads

There once was a man from South Hero
Where the population’s practically zero
He shopped for antiques
‘Til his bike started to squeak
And he skidded right off the pier. Oh no!

Vineyard concert night
Locals drink and dance along
Sun sets on the vines

There once was a band that played covers
The vineyard lawn full with blankets of lovers
The drummer drank too much wine
Ate some raw grapes off the vine
And was carried off stage by his brothers

Waterbury, Vermont

Vermont tasting day
Cider, cheese, chocolate, ice cream
Rain makes trees greener

Twin Mountain, New Hampshire

Tensions in the air
Tear drops fall like pouring rain
Let’s go get Thai food

Cold beans in a can
Styrofoam instant noodles
Sleeping bags are damp

Rainy campground day
Clothes swirl ’round the washer
Bad TV plays on

KOA pizza
Sketching by campfire light
Internet goes out

Toes dipped in the pool
Soothes itchy ankle bug bites
Dark clouds rolling in

Stir crazy working
Caught up and getting ahead
Rain motivation

North Conway, New Hampshire

There once was a climber from North Conway
He searched for good routes all day Monday
Finally set up some climbs
Mostly 5.8s and 5.9s
A bit scraped and sore, but he’s doing okay

Bar Harbor, Maine

Lobster between bread
Clam chowder and blueberry pie
Rainy day delight

There once was a moose from the state of Maine
He crossed where he wanted, which felt like a game
He ignored the road signs
Was ticketed for his crimes
‘Til he was put behind bars. What a shame!

Lighthouse on the cliff
Bell rings and red light flashes
“Click” goes the shutter

Calm breeze makes ripples
Water droplets splash my skin
Kayak on the lake

Firewood burning
Embers travel toward the sky
A hole in my shoe

Swollen drippy eye
Fishes take revenge on me
Shellfish allergy

Waves crash on the shore
Wind and flies test my balance
Yoga on the rocks

There once was a mosquito from the Harbor of Bar
I swatted him away, but he didn’t go very far
Felt him land on my skin
Sucking blood out again
Screw the tent – I’m sleeping in the car

There was an old hag at the campsite next door
Her dunkies would cry, and she’d scream some more
Tossed a burning log in the air
Bowed my head, said a prayer
Now all I hear are waves on the shore

Parade candy thrown
Lobster races to my gut
Fireworks so bright

Shift gears up the hill
Wipe the sweat, pedal faster
Cycling carriage trails

Gnomeless antique shop
Rusty junk out in the rain
Creepy man peers out

There once was a sand pail on Sand Beach
It used to make castles, now tangled in seaweed
Someone left it behind
Swept away by the tide
Rake and shovel too far out of reach

Portsmouth, Rhode Island

Chicago to Maine
Many stops along the way
Camping from a Jeep

THE END

Dirty Bill’s: A (Sort Of) Gnome-Themed Dive Bar in Austin

Posted on October 23, 2013 by alyssa

Dirty Bill’s would be just like any other dive bar on the map except for one simple fact. It is filled with glossy photographs of a traveling gnome mingling with celebrities.

Tucked away from the blaring live music and pub scene on 6th Street, Dirty Bill’s is a tiny, dark bar in Austin’s Warehouse District. So how did a tourist like me stumble upon it, you ask? Well before I take any trip, I do a quick Google search for “[town name + gnomes].” Other than a couple quirky shops (which I obviously visited also), Dirty Bill’s was the only result I found.

This is the home of the “world famous” gnome, Dirty Bill, but sadly, no one seems to care anymore. I found my way the bar, late on a Saturday afternoon. The bar was empty, and the only sign of life was the bartender half-heartedly cleaning up a pile of puke on the sidewalk by the front door.

The walls were plastered with the most amazing photographs of an obscure variety of celebrities posing with Dirty Bill. This gnome has been held by everyone from Les Claypool to Bill Murray, Modest Mouse, Tony Hawk, Kid Rock, Courtney Love, and Alice Cooper. It seems he’s lived quite the live, considering shots of him getting tattooed, skydiving, and committing various forms of public scandal.

So who exactly is Dirty Bill, how does he get around so much, and why is he just sitting in a glass case right now?

Unfortunately, these questions remain largely unanswered.

After an initial look around, I introduced myself as a “gnome enthusiast” to the bartender, Crystal, and begged my boyfriend to snap as many photos (of the photos) as possible. Crystal seemed wholly uninterested in gnomes, but she was kind enough to entertain my obsession for awhile.

Crystal revealed that one of the owners of the place shared my obsession and had been well-connected in the music industry. She said that Dirty Bill hadn’t traveled anywhere in quite some time and that the owner wasn’t really into it anymore. Most of Dirty Bill’s photos were snapped in the late 90s and early 2000s. Personally, I can’t understand how you can own/work in a bar full of gnomes and NOT be “into it.”

Although Crystal (the only staff member working at the time) didn’t seem to know much about the origins of the gnome or the intentions or whereabouts of the owner, she agreed to let me meet Dirty Bill up close and personal. He was covered in stickers, tattoos, scratches, and other common types of battle scars that gnomes suffer from while traveling. According to the bar’s Facebook page, Dirty Bill began traveling in 1999.

I made few more laps around perimeter to soak up each and every photograph in the bar, which to date, is the only gnome-themed bar I’ve ever been to. What I wouldn’t give to own and operate a gnome bar of my very own!?

If you read reviews of the bar, you’ll see a steady stream of complaints about bad service, impersonal staff, and cramped space. But some locals defend it for its unpretentious vibe and the jukebox.

Internet searches about Dirty Bill yield very few results, and the bar is clearly trying to move away from its gnome theme. They recently replaced the exterior sign, which had a gnome on it, to a dull, black sign that just says “Dirty.” They’re moving away from the name “Dirty Bill’s” entirely, and going for that whole overdone, generic dive bar theme instead. Check out the bar’s website and you’ll be hard pressed to find a gnome.

I left Dirty Bills that hot Texas afternoon with a bittersweet feeling. This bar has so much potential for eclectic patrons, but yet it falls so short. In exchange for $15, Crystal found me one of the last bar tank tops that bore Dirty Bill’s name and illustration (in a men’s large – the only size available.)

Perhaps Dirty Bill’s wasn’t all I’d hope it would be, but I sure am glad to got to meet him before the bar abandons him completely. Although he and I are mere acquaintances at best, I hate to think of him being retired to a storage bin to make room for something far more lame. You’d better bet that I’m keeping tabs on the bar though, because if it ever shuts down, I want first dibs on a couple of those photographs!

Meeting Gnome Chomsky: The World’s Second Largest Concrete Gnome

Posted on October 11, 2013 by alyssa

Perhaps you recall my semi-recent article about visiting the world’s largest concrete gnome in Ames, Iowa. As I road-tripped through the Northeastern United States in July, I decided it was only fair to introduce myself to the world’s second largest concrete gnome as well. His name is Gnome Chomsky and he lives at Kelder’s Farm in upstate New York.

Welcomed by farm fresh flowers

Standing at 13-feet, 6-inches tall, Chomsky held the Guinness World Record for “world’s tallest garden gnome” for four years. Since that time, Chomsky has been “out-talled” by 15-foot Elwood in Iowa and a 17-foot, 8 inch fiberglass gnome in Poland. Competition aside, Chomsky was absolutely stunning.

Kelder’s Farm is a 100-acre working farm that sells seasonal fruits and vegetables, runs a mini-golf course, features a petting zoo, and offers educational tours for children. The farm also gives visitors the opportunity to milk a cow, enjoy a hayride, navigate a corn maze, and explore a greenhouse.

Me & Gnome Chomsky

Chomsky has become famous on popular travel sites like Roadside America and Atlas Obscura. Believe it or not, Chomsky was born in New York City. Artists Maria Reidelbach, Ken Brown, and John Hutchinson built him while renovating another mini-golf course. That course closed, and in 2006, Chomsky was moved up to Kelder’s Farm in Kerhonkson, New York. “Kerhonkson needed something big and wonderful to draw attention to this beautiful part of Ulster County,” said Reidelbach, “and Kelder’s Farm is such an authentic, welcoming place, I thought a traditional, friendly, roadside colossus would be just the thing.”

The fame, the fortune

After spending some quality time with Chomsky and coercing my boyfriend into taking dozens of photos, I ventured inside the barn to check out the gift shop. You can find everything from gnome t-shirts to postcards and temporary tattoos amongst the produce. Since Chomsky is no longer a world record holder, the clever folks at Kelder’s Farm have started referring to him the the “First World’s Largest Garden Gnome and the “World’s Cutest Gnome.” I must admit, he is considerably cuter than his Midwestern counterpart!

Kelder’s gift shop

So if you ever find yourself traveling through upstate New York, I would definitely suggest stopping by Kelder’s Farm to visit Gnome Chomsky and play a round of mini-golf. And if you can’t make it out that way, at least you can keep up with him on Facebook. Yes, Chomsky has his own Facebook page!

Miami: Beyond the Beach and the Bar

Posted on August 13, 2013 by alyssa

I’m a southern white girl and I like to drink.

Not that I’ve identified myself, let me tell you about my first experience in Miami.

My best friend, Michelle, and have taken a trip together each summer for the past five years. This year’s destination was Miami: the land of beaches, nightlife, and good looking people.

Issue #1: I’m 100% German and burn like a newborn baby.
Issue #2: I’m pushing 30 and get hangovers consistent with water-boarding.
Issue #3: I just got back from a 6-week road trip and didn’t have a lot of spare cash lying around.
Issue #4: Michelle got knocked up (she’s already “come out” on Facebook, so I’m not spoiling any surprise) so she had to eat and/or rest every two hours.

Needless to say, we needed to find more to do in Miami than just hit the beaches and the bars. Don’t worry….I had my fair share of mojitos and got my fill of ocean water up the nose. But here’s a few other things to do if you find yourself in a similar situation visiting Miami:

Take a Touristy Boat Cruise

I despise tourist traps as much as the next seasoned traveler. However, sometimes some booze on a boat ain’t half bad. Island Queen Cruises offers hour long rides along “Millionaire’s Row” to spy in on the homes of the rich and famous. As you cruise along Biscayne Bay, you’ll see how Enrique Iglesias, Shakira, and Pitbull live out their days in the Sunshine State.

Even if you don’t give a rat’s ass about celebrities, it’s a fun way to relax and enjoy the ocean breeze while listening to pop music you’d never dream of saying you actually enjoy. Tickets cost $26 per person and the bar is cash only. Buy one regularly-priced $7 drink to kick things off and then hold out ’til the last half of the tour when the prices drop to $5. The tour guides will be pushy, but you don’t have to tip if you don’t want to.

Stop by a Bayfront Park Concert

If you’re staying in a hotel downtown, the only place to go for the evening is Bayfront Park. There is an indoor/outdoor mall and lots of ocean-side restaurants with outside seating. The restaurants are pretty comparable to each other, so just pick one and have a seat. Whether you choose Cuban food or American food, it’s all pretty standard and totally edible.

Bayfront Park hosts concerts pretty much every night, and it’s a good time if you haven’t heard of the band. Michelle and I stopped to listen to a random lounge jazz band. I can totally support that. The bands don’t usually draw large crowds, but passersby seem to enjoy the ambiance.

Stroll the Botanical Gardens

Unlike in many cities, the botanical gardens in Miami Beach are totally free. It’s nothing too elaborate or spectacular, but it is nice to stroll some green space and get a couple breaths of fresh air.

The gardens are open from 9-5 Tuesdays through Sundays, and they’re right across from the convention center. There’s always some kind of art exhibition going on at the gardens that makes you take a step back and go, “what the hell?” I had the pleasure of scratching my head at “Chapungu,” which featured twenty works from sculptors in Zimbabwe, and the emotion-invoking text bubbles of “Nayda Collazo-Llorens: Pleasure, Fear and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

Peruse the Art Center of South Florida

There are plenty of museums in the Miami area, but few that you can have all to yourself without paying a dime. The Art Center of South Florida is composed of three buildings of artist workspaces that hosts classes, exhibitions, and events. Unlike other art museums you’ve been to, this place lets you peek in on what local artists are doing without all the bells and whistles.

It’s easy to miss the museum buildings amidst the consumerism flashiness of Lincoln Road. When you visit, you’ll probably seeing a couple artists splashing paint around behind the layer of glass that keeps you on the outside looking in. As it’s flanked by designer stores and posh restaurants on all sides, the art center offers a rare glimpse of authenticity in Miami Beach.

Go to a Festival in Little Havana

Since traveling to Cuba is easier said than done, the next best thing is a visit to Little Havana. Now before you get your hopes up about meeting all your favorite Castro family members, there really isn’t that much to do in this small Cuban neighborhood. Although there are a few Cuban restaurants and a memorial in the park, the area is pretty low-key and residential. One of the best times to visit Little Havana is during one of its Viernes Culturales festivals. A massive rain storm cut the festival short when I was in town, but the artists held out as long as you could. Head down to Calle Ocho, between 13th and 17th streets, on the last Friday of the month to check out some work from local artists, Cuban-style dancing, and some food vendors.

Attend an Outdoor Yoga Class

I already told you a little about Bayfront Park, but we’re going to head back there once more for the sake of fitness and mental clarity. The park offers free yoga classes for the public on Mondays evenings, Wednesday evenings, and Saturday mornings.

On especially hot days, arrive about twenty minutes early so you can snag a spot in the shade. Although my overall perception of Miamians was pushy and sales-driven, the people at this yoga gathering were legitimately alright. A local offered me an extra yoga mat to use since I’d only brought a beach towel, and a nice young gentleman behind me struck up a conversation about the bar sponsors on my Chicago kickball t-shirt.

Shop at Coral Gables and Coconut Grove

When I travel to a new city, I always like to venture off the main drags and see what the neighborhoods are all about. On our last day in Miami, Michelle and I took a drive to three different neighborhoods that were highly rated by strangers on the Internet.

Miami’s Design District proved to be a bust because not a single thing was open. I supposed I’ll give the neighborhood the benefit of the doubt since it was Sunday morning. Next, we drove to Coral Gables in search of some retail therapy. Finally before heading to the airport, we checked out the Coconut Grove area. The latter two areas had their fair share of shops and restaurants, but nothing that totally blew us away.

I take that back. One particular little shop, The Olfactory Co., knocked my socks off. As a low-maintenance gal with a gnome obsession, I usually prefer to shop for pointy-hatted companions over pointy-heeled shoes. Unexpectedly, this store carried gnomes in the form of finger puppets, dishes, salt n’ pepper shakers, and tea light candles.

If you’re looking to do more in Miami than get drunk and lay out, you’ve got to do your research and work for it. Well maybe you don’t now since I’ve been kind enough to give you a head’s start. However, don’t skip ’em, because then then you’d be missing out on the quintessential Miami experience. However, I hope this post just goes to show that you can find more than just beaches and bars in Miami.

Alyssa v. Nature

Where the nature outside collides with the nature inside

Category Archives: Gnomes